Havana (porcelain_wings) wrote in anti_couples,

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The Single Life.

My date on Sunday went well, though it remained strictly platonic. I wish I hadn't been so shy, though. Hope that didn't turn her off or anything. I'd love to go out and do something with her again and get to know her more. ^^

But you know what? After going out on that little date, I've realized that I really don't want a relationship. Oh yeah. DON'T. You read right. Not that there was anything wrong with Helen, God no, it's just ... perhaps I'm not ready. It's just too much, I've realized. I cannot remain dishonest for a very long time; hiding behind my parents' backs to maintain a relationship is just way too much for me to handle. When I am dishonest, it weighs my conscience down and I grow panicky and anxious all of the time and it's just so frustrating. But I think I needed that date; it opened my eyes to this. Besides, I do not want to end up turning into some diseased crazy whose life just REVOLVES around her significant other.

Now that I think about it, there has only been two people whom I could REALLY see myself with and both of them proved to be moot.

So I wonder now why exactly I had been so depressed about this issue earlier this summer. Maybe because I felt as if no one was interested in me and I was beginning to doubt my abilities and self-worth. But now, I know I AM likable and I can continue. XD!! As terrible as THAT sounds. To be honest, I just can't see myself with a lot of people. I can be very isolated from other people, even if I'm surrounded by friends. I am emotionally isolated, I guess. The one for me is one whom I am SO comfortable with, I don't give a damn if I sound idiotic. If that makes sense.

I don't want to belong to anyone. I am most comfortable when I am able to love myself and not worry if others do. I am most comfortable when talking to my friends. I like being infatuated. I don't like having to get tangled in relationship problems. I hate it when people come to me for relationship problems. It is their own fault because they CHOSE to be in a relationship and all that that implies. I like being carefree. I don't want all of that crap.

Besides, people who have boyfriends and girlfriend can be such assholes. I don't want to be an asshole. >[ XD
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